Why Am I Here -- I silently asked myself as I was driving to Damires for Tito A's retreat?

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There were no other answers except the thought of "contrast" that I am perhaps a different version of who I was 5 years ago when I first met Tito A.

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It was Fidelis' last retreat before she graduated from this form.

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Incidentally, this question was asked again to everyone during the introduction.

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And again, I felt that contrast --  the feeling of "metamorphosis" from a fearful man trying to control outcomes, relationships, and situations to a child that takes things as they are and reacting to simply what is.

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As Fidelis used to say whenever I talked about MY problems: "it is what it is", "It is then so be it", "these are just attachments Hijo" and "let it go".

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Then, ALL it did was MindFK me.

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"Does she get it?" "Doesn't she see the pain?" "How can one let go of anything so easy"?

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And then she died, leaving me seemingly with no understanding of "that riddle".

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During Fidelis' final retreat in Damires I first met Tito A, and all my 'new' friends.

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As I honestly tell tito A, my first impression of him as an asleep and relatively cynical man 5 years ago , "Sin.o ni ang Agi nga ni Man?"

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But little did I know that this "guy" would ultimately serve as my "guide" to understanding "the riddle".

The retreat, strangely, was unlike any other retreat before. It was simple, short, and specific -- like a Bunker Busting Missile.

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Music was the voice and Tito A as the interpreter.

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Even innocent exchanges among participants 'clarified' a lot of concepts - like what is Prayer? Or why do you Pray?

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Do the words even matter? Or does your intention matter more? Is it coming from Fear or Love?

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For example: "Lord sana you will make my son more responsible kasi he's irresponsible"

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"Is it coming from fear or love?"

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The distinction was debated. But evident perhaps was the silent undertone of "concern" or "fear".

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What if my son turns out permanently irresponsible? What if hes permanently glued to the "couch"?

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"Lord tani indi lang" "Lord make him realize" "Lord why did you give me this challenge"

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A thought entered my mind as these exchanges unfolded: "God knows what you what want before you think you want it. God knows what you need even if you don't see it. And God knows you more than you know yourself".

So Ted, if God is all-knowing whoTF are you to be giving HIM orders in your prayers.

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Still the discussion among participants clarified the importance of "intention". Is the prayer coming from fear? --Lord baka ganito nalang sya?

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Or Love? --God, I trust you know whats best for my son, I hope you find ways to reach his heart so that he may see it.

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A seemingly imperceivable fine line.

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But it makes all the difference between a prayer riddled with quiet expectations, and a prayer born out of trust.

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Looking back retreats don't guarantee change. And change often comes slow.

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And as tito A used to tell me: "Toto, why don't you ask yourself, What can be better than this" "Where are these thoughts coming from" "Am I coming from love or control?" Among other countless questions seemingly mindFing me like a 'koan'.  

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But it provided me with "space". Space between my thoughts and reactions.

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Space between an action and an immediate reaction.

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A space -- a fine imperceivable line to ask my self, "where are they coming from? why am I feeling this way? Are they coming from fear or love? Am I reacting from fear or love. What can I do to make people want to do it, rather than doling out orders"

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A space between thoughts and consciousness.

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And ultimately, I get it, or I think I get it -- why Tito A always used to tell me 4 years ago that the only Prayer i needed to ever say was "YOUR WILL BE DONE".

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